April 09, 2004
Anklebiters
Posted by nerdling | April 9, 2004 10:05 AM
I'm a big fan of Cary Tennis, the advice writer on salon.com. He generally gives very thoughtful, insightful advice to people who have serious concerns: adultery, children, engagements, long-distance relationships, etc.
The one area where Mr. Tennis and I regularly disagree is the matter of children. Every now and again he gets a letter which goes something like this: "When my wife and I got married, we both agreed that we didn't want kids. Things have been wonderful, but now she wants kids and I don't. What should I do?" Generally, the advice writer errs on the side of giving in, while I am loathe to ever compromise on an issue as serious as having children.
Mr. Tennis' most recent column is a letter in that very vein, and I wanted to share a passage from it that perfectly echoes my sentiments about having a brood of *shudder* children:
My wife is, understandably, ready to have children. I am not. I don't think it's even a matter of my being ready. I just don't want them. Over the last five years I have, for the first time in my life, spent time with children. I have become the favorite uncle. I love being the favorite uncle. I have fun playing with the kids and taking them to the zoo or aquarium. The thing I like the most about it is being able to go home to my life -- my nice, quiet, orderly life -- at the end of the day. I see how all of my family and friends' lives are with children, and I find it horrifying. I dread having my life turn into that. Amen, bro.
My response in this case would be to tell your wife to suck it up. (Cary Tennis' is that wanting to keep one's life to oneself is selfish and won't provide people to put you in a nursing home when you hit 65, so either end the marriage or give in and have the kids.)
I say that you both agreed on the terms of your marriage; just because she has decided that she wants kids does not mean that you have to change your mind and decide that you want them. She knew how you felt going in, and if she thought that somehow, miraculously, five years into the marriage you would change your mind about it too, that's her problem. Not to imply that women are fickle, but really—there are a great majority of women who hit 30 and want kids. We all know this.
Thankfully, I'm so selfish that this will never be a problem. If I ever feel like the clock is ticking too loudly, I'll get another dog. They listen better anyway, and you have to ask them to speak.
