May 11, 2004
Quo Vadis, Sopor?
Posted by nerdling | May 11, 2004 10:07 PM
I have a terrible reaction to violence, even when I know it is fake. I freeze up and my eyes well up with tears—even though I'm not crying—and I can't breathe. This happens often at the movies. Lead pipes and fireplace pokers coupled with eyes or knees or other sensitive parts of the anatomy have me leaking like a faucet.
Not this time.
I was really trying. I worked on objectivity, on disassociation, on reason. I tried to watch the video of Nick Berg's death with as little emotional turmoil as possible because I know how I am. I made it as far as when his captors pulled out the knife, started screaming and grabbed his head, pushing him to the floor. At that point I had to close the window because my palms were clammy and my hands were shaking and I was having trouble breathing. But I didn't cry.
Perhaps it is because I knew what was coming. I had prepared myself for it and I was prepared for my reaction, but I don't think that was it. Some things are too much to even cry for. There's nothing left to do but freeze up. Instead, I'll try not to think about it, and hope it doesn't catch up with me tomorrow. Or the day after.
And that his mother never sees that tape.
