June 14, 2004

Maybe Nuclear War Isn't So Bad

Posted by nerdling | June 14, 2004 02:58 PM

It's a slow news day, so I thought I would post a topic that encourages comments. Hopefully this will incite response. If not, I'm doing a piss-poor job with this blogging thing.

Bands that should be disbanded, by force if necessary, though I wouldn't be opposed to death by firing squad:

01. Palace / Bonnie "Prince" Billy / Will Oldham
The king of all jackassery, Will Oldham is perhaps best known for his role as Baby Jessica's father in the made-for-TV masterpiece Everybody's Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure, though he has produced sounds that some say pass for music under the monikers Palace, Palace Music, Palace Brothers and, most recently, Bonnie "Prince" Billy.

Willie is particularly worthy of painful death and/or dismemberment for his charming patronization of American music, writing in old-timey speak and appearing on stage in overalls, performing songs like "There Is No One What Will Take Care Of You" from a rocker while chewing a stalk of wheat. You live in the twenty-first century, Willie ol' boy, and we have the chemical weapons to prove it.

02. Atom and His Package / Adam Goren
03. Har Mar Superstar / Sean Tillmann
These two are lumped together primarily because they are guilty of the same crimes against music, but it doesn't hurt that they are friends and partners in crime. They are both annoying, overeducated elitists who weren't talented enough to make it as real musicians; as such, they now spend their time writing songs only Weird Al could truly appreciate. I could come up with a lengthy tirade against them both, but I think the opening paragraph of an Atom review from the Village Voice does it nicely:

It's hard to say who will squash this obnoxious fuck first. Atom Goren, lead singer, programmer, founder, sometime guitarist, and one-half of Atom and His Package (the other half, his package, is a synthesizer), offends everyone (his friends included). On the third track ("Hats Off to Halford") off his third long-player (Making Love) he gives former Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford the thumbs-up for coming out of the closet, and hopes that Halford will set a precedent. "I'd love for everyone in heavy metal to be homosexual," he whines, "if not just to make the Nazi fucking pricks in Slayer a little uncomfortable." So will it be the entire metal community, not known to be the most tolerant on subjects of sexuality, or just Slayer who hunts Atom down? Or maybe Pantera: "Statistics say, chances of being gay are one in 10. So that means there's a 40 percent chance that one of the guys in Pantera likes men." Personally, I'm rooting for Phil Anselmo and the Cowboys from Hell in this battle.

Smug, self-righteous and vengefully dorky, these morons deserve whatever beatings they are going to incur with their antics. Here's hoping one of the guys in Pantera is gay, and Adam and/or Sean drop the soap.

04. Eighteen Visions
05. AFI
06. Dashboard Confessional
These three are being lumped together because they are all sides of the same terrible coin. There is a reason Eighteen Visions released an album called Vanity; though not solely responsible for the change, EV is working hard to take the "hard" out of "hardcore," while AFI is trying their best to do as much for eyeliner as Robert Smith did. As for Dashboard—well they just suck unabashedly at everything but mugging for the camera.

These bands represent everything that is wrong with music today, from their ridiculously contrived images and weepy, condescending songs to their absolutely soulless music. Everything about them screams insincerity, while the essence of their facade is one of total honesty. Case in point: AFI stands for A Fire Inside. If the world was fair, those assholes would spontaneously combust.

I hate nothing so much as a hypocrite, though hypocrisy is the only defining talent of the entire bunch.

Comments

Marleigh, Marleigh, Marleigh

Sigh. . .

While I wholeheartedly agree about everybody else on the list, you simply can not slag off Will Oldham. Fair enough, some of it can sound very 'samey', but I implore you to listen to Bonnie Prince Billy's Master and Everyone album -- or better yet, just the first track, The Way. A beautiful melodic tune that is also one of the greatest "I am breaking your heart" songs. Will, guitar, and lush strings. Just the one line "Love me the way I love you" (which is very tongue-in-cheek) is enough to bring chills down the spine. Dig it:

Winter comes and snow
I can't marry you, you know
Without children to grow
I can't marry you, you know

Love me the way i love you

Take a year in your hands
You can find another man
Let your unloved parts get loved
And I will be your man

Love me the way i love you

Places you should be afraid
Into the river we will wade

(OK - maybe the "unloved parts" bit is weird, but still. . .)

I'll send you the MP3 if you like. (Is that a crime?)

Posted by: Filmbrain at June 14, 2004 08:36 PM

My beef with Will Oldham begins with his condescending and hateful persona; he would be nowhere without the generations of country and bluegrass musicians that provided his much-loved gimmick, and it makes me physically ill that he could mock such a proud legacy so shamelessly.

Further, I am willing to concede that the song you posted is fair-ish, but if you want a broken heart song, why not listen to a real folk song, like "Wind and Rain"? I have never heard a more haunting or painful song about lost love.

There were two sisters of County Claire
Oh the wind and the rain
One was dark and the other was fair
Oh the dreadful wind and rain

And they both had the love of the miller's son
Oh the wind and the rain
But he was fond of the fairer one
Oh the dreadful wind and rain

So she pushed her into the river to drown
Oh the wind and the rain
And watched her as she floated down
Oh the dreadful wind and rain

She floated until she came to the miller's pond
Oh the wind and the rain
Dead on the water like a golden swan
Oh the dreadful wind and rain

And she came to rest on the riverside
Oh the wind and the rain
And her bones were washed by the rolling tide
Oh the dreadful wind and rain

And along the road came a fiddler fair
Oh the wind and the rain
And found her bones just a lying there
Cried oh the dreadful wind and rain

So he made a fiddle peg of her long finger bone
Oh the wind and the rain
He made a fiddle peg of her long finger bone
Cried oh the dreadful wind and rain

And he strung his fiddle bow with long yellow hair
Oh the wind and the rain
He strung his fiddle bow with her long yellow hair
Cried oh the dreadful wind and rain

And he made a fiddle fiddle of her breast bone
On the wind and the rain
He made a fiddle fiddle of her breast bone
Cried oh the dreadful wind and rain

But the only tune that the fiddle would play was
Oh the wind and the rain
The only tune that the fiddle would play was
Oh the dreadful wind and rain

That song existed long before Willie was a twinkle in his mommy's eye. The only difference is that it is a legitimate product of a longstanding musical tradition. Willie uses the conventions of bluegrass, blues and country to make derivative, uninteresting crap that he passes off as some enlightened experiment in folk history.

Everyone that listens to Bonnie "Prince" Billy is better off buying a Carter Family record. And lest you think that I am against anyone who makes this sort of music, artists like Gillian Welch and Alison Krauss have been doing just fine making new music that doesn't trample upon the past, nor cling to it.

And yes, I think emailing it to me might be illegal. I've never tried, so I can't say for sure, but I'm sure someone has it online somewhere.

Posted by: Marleigh at June 14, 2004 11:28 PM

fuck will oldham and his biblical grammar. just because you can grow a beard and spit real good doesn't mean you're a redneck. him and his brothers should run back under their upper-middle class rocks and leave the appalachian tradition to people who got to starve there.

or better yet--send him to the mountains of new hampshire, and let scissorfight hunt him, skin him, and mount them on their wall. good eatin'.

the most dangerous animal is me,
dan

Posted by: dan at June 14, 2004 11:49 PM

by the way, when talking about carrying on in a proud american tradition while blazing new trails both lyrically and musically--

chris whitley?

will oldham couldn't string his guitar, nor could he write a song like "long way around" or "i forget you every day". that fella is the real deal.

home is where you get across,
dan

Posted by: dan at June 14, 2004 11:52 PM