October 31, 2004
An Open Letter to Comment Spammers
Dear Sir or Madam,
Though it was a tough race to call, you have officially been awarded the title of Biggest Fucking Wanker on Earth, giving you dominion over all your fellow sheep-shagging bastards. You edged out Bill O'Reilly, Tucker Carlson and Tim Russert—three douche bags whose names make the idea of being a scum-sucking bottom feeder perversely attractive.
But you, sir, take the cake.
Not only do you harass average, everyday people who don't have a spare couple of hours to weed out your supremely annoying cut-n-paste messages, but you harass us when we can't even claim to collect more than 1,000 page views per day. Do you really think that a site with traffic that low could possibly provide exposure for the sites you're pasting into comments?
Frankly, I hope you burn in Hell for all eternity. Better yet, I hope you are bound, gagged and eaten alive by a legion of hungry fire ants, or that you wind up with an infestation of lice—and not on your head.
Failing that, here's hoping your computer gets a nasty virus and blows up, and I wouldn't be too disappointed if it took you out in the process.
Sincerely,
Marleigh
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 31 October 2004 at 11:48 AM | Comments (0) | | Link
June 05, 2004
Those are People Who Died
In a new and utterly disgusting display of greed and an absolute void of compassion, there are rumors floating in Washington DC that the IRS is trying to shut down the reality show "Extreme Makeover Home Edition" which, among its apparent faults, improves the quality of life for orphans, widows, firefighters, little old ladies and entire neighborhoods of the poor and downtrodden. Their crime? Well, according to the wife of IRS Commissioner Mark Everson, they give away too much stuff for free to people who don't know what to do with it. This charming creature has been overheard making derogatory comments to her friends, such as:
"What’s a poor mother with too many kids and one bathroom going to do with a stainless steel kitchen?”
“Why don’t they makeover houses in good neighborhoods for people who know how to treat nice things?
Nanette, the aforementioned exceptional being, has been observed making many such remarks about the undeserving people who have their homes renovated on the show. When she heard that the production team was using a tax loophole to prevent the families from having to pay taxes on their renovations, she reported it to her hubby at the IRS. As a result, the familes featured on the show have been served with letters detailing the $120,000-$175,000 they own the government for their home repairs.
Congratulations, you fucking bitch. You've just ruined the lives of people who were able to enjoy a little bit of happiness that they could never have otherwise afforded and saddled their great-great-grandchildren with debt.
May all that spite and bile you're hoarding develop into a malignant cancer that slowly eats away whatever is left of your heart. I'll come to your funeral to pass out party favors and dance on your grave.
Post script: When digging for more dirt to corroborate this hearsay, I've stumbled upon some interesting information:
• As Associate Council to the President, Mrs Everson—a lawyer—"oversees ethics in the White House counsel's office." Oh, irony, you are so bold.
• Among his other qualifications, IRS Commissioner Everson did a stint as a CPA at Arthur Anderson & Company. Sound familiar to anyone?
• Everson also served as Special Assistant to Attorney General Edwin Meese III during the Reagan administration.
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 5 June 2004 at 01:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (57) | Link
March 30, 2004
No More Dick for That Guy
Establishing a substantial burden of proof that Texas really is the greatest state in the Union: Har Mar gets his teeth knocked in by a penis-shaped pinata.
I knew the day that I left for the East Coast that I should have spent the money on SXSW instead. I won't go into all the reasons (who really needs them?) but it was a bad call on my part. I missed a hell of a lot of awesome performances and Sean Tillman being bloodied by an enormous pecker. Sometimes life can be too cruel.
In other news, The Darkness' Justin Hawkins will be performing with Queen at an upcoming benefit concert. Ooooooh do I wish I could see that!
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 30 March 2004 at 02:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (1) | Link
March 24, 2004
Things Keep Happening
Some days I feel bad for Ryan Adams. I have a deep and abiding love for Whiskeytown and because of it I can be alternately enraged and saddened by the sideshow that Ryan has become. He used to write wonderful, touching songs and now he plays parodies and has to go through physical therapy to learn to play his guitar again. It's kind of like watching the decline of Brian Wilson compressed into five years.
On that note, here's an interview he initiated with Pitchfork in an effort to straighten out some of their mockery. I don't know if it will work (unless he starts writing good songs again) but I can say for sure that he talks a lot.
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 24 March 2004 at 02:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (15) | Link
February 23, 2004
Ein Minuten
The only reason that I was willing to deal with the election of the Governator was that once his term screwing up California was over, he couldn't run for President. I can't say that it is surprising that he would desire to be President but I find it curious that there is an amendment being considered that would allow immigrants to run for President and that Arnold is already on the bandwagon to pass it.
My objection to such an amendment isn't based in xenophobia so much as in tradition—I don't lust for change any more than anyone else, particularly when it has to do with the Constitution—and the sneaking suspicion that this wouldn't really apply to all immigrants because most of the voting public just isn't ready for that. They might be ready for an Arnold (though no one would be able to spell the President's name), despite the fact that his popularity would be based on the characters we remember in his movies, not on his politics. However, I just don't see a President Haddad or President Gutierrez being enthusiastically welcomed into the Oval Office any time soon and that is, at least in my view, the great weakness of such an amendment.
Then again, perhaps this is just what is needed to move politics forward a little. I suppose it could go either way, but I am innately suspicious of any flexibility that the Republicans want to interject into the laws.
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 23 February 2004 at 11:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (39) | Link
February 20, 2004
Rampant, Bubbling Narcisscism
In a fresh display of complete and utter self-obsession, Ryan Adams is starting his own record label to—you guessed it!—release even more recordings of his terrible songs! The label, Paxamerican, will release The Rescue Blues and California (containing demo versions of said terrible songs), which are intended for sale at Adams' live shows.
I think these would make great gifts for anyone with masochistic tendencies or a strong desire to know what it feels like when your eardrums bleed.
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 20 February 2004 at 02:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (3) | Link
February 17, 2004
Suddenly Canadian
For anyone out there who is, or might be, in need of a mechanic, I have the name of a good one. No, really—the guy is so honest that I'm sorry there wasn't something wrong with my car. At least then he would have made something off this month's Mustang repair saga.
I took my car in last week to have the oil changed. While there, the mechanic pointed out the oil running down the engine and informed me that I had a leak in my main seal (the big one at the front of the engine). Not being one who is terribly adept with the inner workings of an automobile—shocking, especially considering my masterful command of automotive vocabulary—but being very suspicious of mechanics in general, I went to see an old family acquaintence who recommended a garage where I could have my engine checked.
Upon calling the garage—Richie's Auto Service, in Saugus—and explaining the circumstances, the mechanic informed me that a leak in the main seal would be a rare problem for my car. Rather, it was likely I had leaking seals on the gaskets and oil was running from those seals down to the main seal, making it appear that I had a leak there. This all sounded logical (and much cheaper than an issue with the main seal) so I took the car in this morning to have it checked out.
As it turns out there is no leak, in the main seal or otherwise. Instead it appears that whoever changed my oil spilled some and it ran down the engine to pool below the main seal, and those crafty mechanics were trying to wrangle the $300 fee for dismantling the front half of my engine to repair said main seal.
Too bad for them, though, there are honest mechanics out there who aren't going to scam everyone who walks in for repairs they don't need. Not that I'm looking forward to car repairs—an imminent threat at all times when you own a Ford—but now I feel better about having to go to the mechanic.
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 17 February 2004 at 02:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (4) | Link
January 23, 2004
I'm Calling You Out, Hee Haw
See what happens when you offend the gods of rock? Piss on your legacy long enough and the universe will level the score.
I mean, really. It's like rock 'n' roll itself is crying out and saying "For the love of God: Ryan, STOP MAKING MUSIC!"
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 23 January 2004 at 02:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (50) | Link
December 11, 2003
Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen
Anyone remember Whiskeytown? You know, the band that Ryan Adams was in back when he could write a song without looking like a jackass? If you do, you'll want to forget about it because Ryan just keeps fucking things up. At a recent show he further trashed his legacy (you know, the one where he had talent) by pulling stupid shit like the following:
Adams ended with an encore of his current single, "So Alive," which sounded even more like U2 live than it does on record. And it appeared that he's learned a few tricks from Bono — without his guitar he was free to roam the stage, and he worked it, swinging his microphone over his head like a lasso, singing directly to a group of screaming women, and guzzling a glass of wine, toasting the crowd, holding the bottle in the air and nonchalantly tossing the empty goblet on the ground, where it shattered.
from mtv.com
That little bout of silliness aside, my first term is officially over. I turned in my last paper yesterday and have since managed to get nearly all my shopping for the Christmas party done, as well as making a trip to Costco. Being productive is fun! Now I just have to finish shopping for Christmas gifts and I'll be all set...
Oh yeah, and check out Largemammal Print.
Posted in Another Bloody Fucking Wanker | 11 December 2003 at 02:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (260) | Link
